Despite best efforts of parents, children can sometimes turn out to be rude and unreasonable, often subjecting parents to unwanted behaviour, and way of communication. While it is extremely important for kids to voice their concerns on how they feel, talking back to parents constantly is not a good sign, and can lead to more issues later. As much as parents are tempted to punish and shout at the child, this is not the right way. Here are 5 ways to handle a child who always talks back, without losing your sanity!Stay calmTalking back to parents makes the latter angry, which can lead to harsh punishments, because of which the child might get even more rebellious. (vicious cycle) Emotional responses to children’s backtalk typically produce negative outcomes that lead to increased conflict.When faced with such a situation, try to maintain emotional composure. Take deep breaths, as you maintain control of your voice. Keeping a calm demeanor helps your child understand that disrespectful talk does not lead to harsh reactions, but won’t be tolerated as well.
When your anger starts to flare, take ten seconds to breathe, before you speak, or step away for a brief period to regain control. Observational learning occurs primarily through adult behavior, so teaching children to remain calm through your reactions will help them develop this habit.Set clear rulesEvery child requires defined limits to understand what they should, and should not do. Explain to your children that disrespecting others by talking back, does not align with your family values, and explain the value of respect in your household.Create basic rules which state:Our family members should communicate with politeness.The acceptable way to express refusal includes neither yelling. nor using offensive language.The rules should be discussed when all members are in a peaceful state, rather than during heated conflicts. The rules should be reinforced through regular reminders while establishing consequences, such as time-outs or privilege loss, when they are not followed.The establishment of clear rules enables children to master respectful communication methods, instead of developing backtalk behavior.Listen (and really listen)Children engage in backtalk because they feel ignored and frustrated, while seeking increased control. Pay close attention to the actual message your child wants to communicate through their words. Your child might be going through feelings of frustration, tiredness and possible confusion.When they talk back you should answer by saying something soft like:Your current emotions seem to be negative. Can you explain the reason behind your feelings?I will listen to what you want to say, but please use respectful words.Children who receive validational responses to their emotions learn that they can seek attention without resorting to rudeness. The feeling of being understood helps children decrease their urge to argue, or behave out of bounds.Positive reinforcementChildren show positive reactions when they receive praise, and rewards. (but not tangible gifts) You should acknowledge and praise your child whenever they demonstrate respectful conduct or follow the rules. Express appreciation through statements like “Thank you for being polite” and “I appreciate your calm approach when asking these questions.”You can establish basic reward systems through sticker charts or extended playtime once in a while, to promote respectful communication. Children develop positive behaviors through reinforcement, because they learn to maintain good actions instead of focusing only on negative ones.
Be consistent and patientTransforming behavior patterns requires both steady application of rules, consequences and consistent responses. Children develop mixed signals when talking back leads to inconsistent treatment, because they may continue to test boundaries.Establish a definitive plan first, then enforce it in a consistent manner. Children need your guidance to learn important social skills, so maintain patience with them during their learning process. Small improvements should receive praise, while gentle reminders should be given for when they make mistakes.If none of these work, do not hesitate to seek help through therapy.ReferencesAmerican Academy of Pediatrics – Effective Parenting TipsChild Mind Institute – How to Handle Defiance and Talking BackKidsHealth from Nemours – Dealing With Backtalk and DefiancePositive Parenting Solutions – Managing Defiant BehaviorMayo Clinic – Tips for Parents: Child Behavior Problems
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